t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
This is the one
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]