People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
tell em, edith-anne
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.