The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
😂😂😂
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
OH. COME. ON.