[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Awesome parenting 😂
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Personal question. #JustSaying
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
hi why am I like this
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?