What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO