*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.