*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
quarantine day 3
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Facebook marketplace is a different world
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
for all #parents out there
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share