I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Breaking news:
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My daily affirmation
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
mood
it must be school picture day
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies