“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.