Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
You Might Also Like
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”