When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Haha good job!!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”