Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.