Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
who wants to go expliring
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.