If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Bootstraps
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…