Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
These aliens are taking forever.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.