Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
This is me 🤣🤣
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed