*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.