Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around