Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You Might Also Like
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?