Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Coffee is ready.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*