“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
181.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.