In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.