Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?