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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.