Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
ouch
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong