Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.