(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You Might Also Like
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*