These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*