My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?