CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.