Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport