“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate