Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.