My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You Might Also Like
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’ve been drinking.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
How all things should be taught/explained.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix