Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?