[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad