some things should go without saying
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?