You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.