What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no