What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.