“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
very niche meme I made
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
#KarenAndTheCat 😉