I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.