I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
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Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.