Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Geez man, take it easy.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I am never leaving this website
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.