Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Just say no
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer