I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
getting old is fun
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
i- i did not expect this
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?