COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
What even happened today?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…