Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
You Might Also Like
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Stonehinge
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I need to get some bricks…
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
worst…sale…ever
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
#dnd #ttrpg
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.