5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴