I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?